JAZZ ME UP BABY

Carmen McCrae played her games with me. She touched my heart while breathing sweet melody in my ear..."All is fair in looovvvee"....She moved me to a place painted with red, stone cold beneath my feet. And in the corners of this ruins were eyes,
Crawling up on me
Crawling up my thighs
Digging through my eyes.

And as I kept walking, a voice soared above me like a musical ribbon that hangs from the high rocks where temples perch. There he was, John Coltrane serenades me as wind moves above the floor, with a rhythm gnawing at me.

In this place was a war between strings and keys.
He moved towards me, tongue in cheeks he resonates in treble clef, bass, alto and tenor..." Baby, do you know my heart?...I take nothing from you, but give all to you..."
Tata ta doodoo doom

I stood with wild eyes as women spun cartwheels joyously in torn chemise. Men stood and twirled the mustaches. Voices were an instrument bouncing off the feet of wandering souls.
Ascends the rapids.
Abyss without limits.
Blood and flesh vanishes.
Bodies dispossessed.
Space becomes void.

"Whhooo yah....baby spin me harder, lift me higher" dancing in motion...motions without actions.

Homer and Troubadours with their siren sung. Like solemn in a prayer, their hands clasped around me, reverence in vocal mutiny....Pulling me to the dance floor.
Memories echoes and echoes,
they swung me high,
twirled me around in notes so profound.
Skirts danced,
Pianos strum my waltz,
Hair whips with fierceness.

Badaboom...Tata ta ta....saxophone resounds.

Frolicking on the axis of the wheel of life in music and cocktails. High enough to the feel the golden stars brush my face and moon glowing with sweet ambiance. And beneath me, was no one to catch me...The music stopped.

Alone nude in my bed room with the boom box playing silence...I felt the cold floor on my cheeks.
I sleep now with a stereo in my dreams...Jazz me up baby!

MY ANGRY VAGINA- Monologue originally written for Whoopi

My vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off. My vagina's furious and it needs to talk. It needs to talk about all this shit. It needs to talk to you. I mean what's the deal — an army of people out there thinking up ways to torture my poor-ass, gentle loving vagina. Spending their days constructing psycho products, and nasty ideas to undermine my pussy. Vagina Motherfuckers.

All this shit they're constantly trying to shove up us, clean us up — stuff us up, make it go away. Well, my vagina's not going away. It's pissed off and it's staying right here. Like tampons — what the hell is that? A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up there. Why can't they find a way to subtly lubricate the tampon? As soon as my vagina sees it, it goes into shock. It says forget it. It closes up. You need to work with the vagina, introduce it to things, prepare the way. That's what foreplay's all about. You got to convince my vagina, seduce my vagina, engage my vagina's trust. You can't do that with a dry wad of fucking cotton.

Stop shoving things up me. Stop shoving and stop cleaning it up. My vagina doesn't need to be cleaned up. It smells good already. Don't try to decorate. Don't believe him when he tells you it smells like rose petals when it's supposed to smell like pussy. That's what they're doing, trying to clean it up, make it smell like bathroom spray or a garden. All those douche sprays, floral, berry, rain. I don't want my pussy to smell like berries or rain. All cleaned up like washing a fish after you cook it. I want to taste the fish. That's why I ordered it.

Then there's those exams. Who thought them up? There's got to be a better way to do those exams. Why the scary paper dress that scratches your tits and crunches when you lie down so you feel like a wad of paper someone threw away? Why the rubber gloves? Why the flashlight all up there like Nancy Drew working against gravity, why the Nazi steel stirrups, the mean cold duck lips they shove inside you? What's that? My vagina's angry about those visits. It gets defended weeks in advance. It won't go out of the house. Then you get there. Don't you hate that? "Scoot down. Relax your vagina." Why? So you can shove mean cold duck lips inside it. I don't think so.

Why can't they find some nice delicious purple velvet and wrap it around me, lay me down on some feathery cotton spread, put on some nice friendly pink or blue gloves, and rest my feet in some fur covered stirrups? Warm up the duck lips. Work with my vagina.

But no, more tortures — dry wad of fucking cotton, cold duck lips, and thong underwear. That's the worst. Thong underwear. Who thought that up? Moves around all the time, gets stuck in the back of your vagina, real crusty butt.

Vagina's supposed to be loose and wide, not held together. That's why girdles are so bad. We need to move and spread and talk and talk. Vaginas need comfort. Make something like that. Something to give them pleasure. No, of course they won't do that. Hate to see a woman having pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure. I mean make a nice pair of soft cotton underwear with a French tickler built in. Women would be coming all day long, coming in the supermarket, coming on the subway, coming happy vaginas. They wouldn't be able to stand it. Seeing all those energized, not taking shit, hot happy vaginas.

If my vagina could talk it would talk about itself like me, it would talk about other vaginas, it would do vagina impressions.

It would wear Harry Winston diamonds, no clothing, just there all draped in diamonds.

My vagina helped release a giant baby. It thought it would be doing more of that. It's not. Now, it wants to travel, doesn't want a lot of company. It wants to read and know things and get out more. It wants sex. It loves sex. It wants to go deeper. It's hungry for depth. It wants kindness. It wants change. It wants silence and freedom and gentle kisses and warm liquids and deep touch. It wants chocolate and trust and beauty. It wants to scream. It wants to stop being angry. It wants to come. It wants to want. It wants. My vagina, my vagina. Well...It wants everything. 

COPPA COLPR HALF CHINY

Dem can try….Dem can try

But dis natty head, long hair

Leather skin chile

Nah go mek society kneed

Nuh blow job- from gun shot,

Sid dung pon road side life style.

Nah Rub fi look like duppy,

Nah put pon mi head wat is not fi mi.

Self hatred and low self esteem nah do it fi me.

Mi bigga dan dat…Mi betta dan dat

Dis coppa color half chinese catty

Nah go mek nuh random man

Feel up feel up,

Touch up touch up har batty

Yuh MAD?! End up a oman centre?

Fi wat? Beg a likkle fi mek a muckle

Fi mi unborn chile? Fid dat? YUH MAD?!

Weh dem feel like?....Weh mi look like?

Man fi si dis and see Prado, X5 an Range Rover

Not nuh insignificant speck

Weh mongrel dogs a dead over!!!

Dis half chinie a di oman weh mek Tyrus Riley

Sing “she’s royal, so royal”

Suh man must kno dem place

And stay loyal.

Nuh mek mi shining beauty blind yuh,

Mi chop up standard English fool yuh,

Or mi “wana be” Cocoa Bukle shape provoke yuh

Cause unda dis coppa color half chinie ass

A one fullbread WOMAN of class.

One bag a talking

Fi get di Catty walking

Mi nuh bruk man wallet, seh mi a 'service' oman

Mi nuh spread out, or “si dung pon it”.

Mi nuh “fling it up” fi nuh one night stan

Fi Joe Grine and Oral sing “PRAM PRAM”?

Kiss mi nek side, anyting can go suh?

Man start mek pass seh dem can eat yuh like mango?

Mi nuh haffi have a man fi mek me happy

A me a di Wifey inna proverbs terty.

Mi have di cross all ova pon mi

Mi a try fi live di path a Christianity

WOMAN 3

Journey with me as I take you through the mind and heart of a young woman. Journey to her third life with a third party. For in all her existence, this number has played a comical role in her voyage through life. Stigmatized in the triangles that swayed her emotions, played her heart as strings of a harp…melodious, calm, gentle and yet pronounces a story, a song that so powerfully evokes tears and understanding from the audience she writes her tune to. The ears that sees her life as she portrays it. For in her words are songs of passion, portraits of colors as the artist relays her message on canvas……hard canvas, rough canvas, strong canvas. She is now a painter of words in different Hues and different shades. How ironic these colors are in her life. For the hue is personified as the one who gradually makes her heart whole again, no longer belonging carelessly to another, no longer halved between the love for herself and the loved of another….the love for the shade that darkened her heart. The hue now sheds light upon her shaded demise. She gradually separates herself from the women of yesterday, from a woman, a seductress, a Christian, a daughter, a lover and me, all one. She is no longer the woman who tells the story of how the carnal and innate nature took hold of a man who wore a naked ring upon his finger, a ring of promises, and a woman who wore a half halo above her head. For this halo is now whole as she dreamed it to be. She offers Mr. Columbus just a portion of her existence as a gratitude for discovering the wavering foundation her heart was embedded and for returning it whole again. His name, Columbus, the discoverer of an already discovered territory. His name will be written in the archives of all that is good and pure in her life. For a Friend he forever will be.

This is not a story of the great painter, But of the painter and her world. The triangle of bliss and of detriment. Allow me to paint on your heart of canvas as my brush strokes the minds of curious bystanders, the picture portrayed through hues, shades and colors. First shade is his name, the black man she adorned herself with, the one she bled tears and love to be with. The one who wore the transparent ring upon his finger and through time made evident his loyalty to it while still being disloyal to her heart. Had I not painted that my character and her lover were alike in worlds……INSEPARABLE, for her world was now his and his shared between her world and the best man’s? And even now her existence shares the disposition Mr. Shade finds himself in. Through experiences only, can the human mind fathom the unfathomable choices we sometimes make. She paints her life in an effort to only resonate with her own understanding of herself. A WOMAN she is, "torn between her passions and moral ideals, who enjoys loving the difficulty that presents itself" in the characters I have here manifested. My character now sympathizes and understands Mr. Shade’s triangle, one that he is bound to and one his soul lusts after. But this is not a painting of the shades, for time has gradually elapsed the bond and attachments she once had with this soul….she still loves, but only for satisfaction in the stallion and his conquest. Her heart now palpitate another song. Her heart is still partly his and part of his heart for another man alike is now partly her heartbeat……Their hearts are still whole…… Half her heart belongs to him and half of his heart for his confidant is now her heartbeat…two halves make a whole. I wish to keep this painting as abstract as it can be, for in the deepest strokes of this brush and the weaving of my canvas lies a hidden truth that can be detrimental to pure love and pure friendships….ruined for the sake of love. Funny how LOVE, in the true meaning of the word can be so fascinating and builds a lifetime of happiness, whilst alternately destroys another’s opportunity of experiencing this love….crumbling his world to a mere birth and death cycle. LOVE can raise a thousand army of passion, purpose in breath, and at the same time put to grave a pair of soul connection in familial and friendly love. Not gay in preference but a love that is gay in trust, trust for one man alike in nature for the consideration of the other and longevity beyond love for one woman and beyond hardship. Just as the lover, the poet and now the painter that I have presented u had shared this guilt of hurting another woman, only indirectly.

Oh how her heart aches and bleeds red when she dips into the vase of truth to paint only what her hands and her heart allows. It bleeds red though her hand wishes to part the tides of principles from the overflow of selfishness. Principles outlined by society that one should not love more than once, and selfishness in that just as Mr. shade wishes to keep his world a darkened secret to forever share with his lover, now does the lover…me…..I….share this fantasy…but no longer for him. And Mr. Shade justifies by his most colorful yet deceitful poetic truth……“Funny how the world turns”…for some reason I really like that phrase. There should be unbreakable rules to this love game…laws that are inviolate – like the law that governs gravity for example. What goes up must come down...it can’t just float about”. The painter……The lover……The poet and I…… all stand on the firm truth that Mr. shade, the beautiful cheat has so beautifully expressed that if life hadn’t dished out in such abundance the irrevocable experiences and words uttered, that maybe we wouldn’t have gone through if this were the case, if the actual rule that existed said: “one cannot love more than once”…but now she shares this guilty bliss. It is possible to love more than once and possibly at the same time, for to her, love has gone knocking on his neighbor’s door……The one closest to his heart. And if he rejects the offer she once again presents to him, of having her entire being become his territory to forever abide…then shall she search another occupant…..one much more willing and deserving to abide in her abode.

I now paint my last word……the words that should remain unprinted and so I will paint it in all colors of the spectrum…for in these colors are emotions that lies skin deep and beyond all that meets the eyes. Her heart still refuses to let him go while she still satisfies her body….still being loyal to him……she simultaneously offers her thoughts and a portion of her existence to the Mr. Hue, the lighter one in the wheel of colors. And as much as the difference lies in their color…their souls differ in the magnitude of appreciation they offer her. For only by names do they differ. Columbus has found her heart and could possibly take sanctuary there, but Mr. Shade’s name is still printed on it.

“To me you’re a songbird, precious, with a song inside you that not even you can fully express…just continue to shine as you do, and give the love that’s waiting for you the chance to fulfill itself”…If only this love had been of a different time……For she still loves him, though she tries not to.

GERI

Ok its odd that i chose to name this one Geri after never interacting with him before his death. But his death sparked a lot of awareness in many of my friends life.

All i can say is this:
my god...life is soo fascinating yet complex.....we spend days planning and preparing for a future that might or might not belong to us, because one day we may be unexpectedly pardoned from it. And though we may not know it, we make life irrelevant when we deny ourselves the opportunity to fully enjoy it by putting ourselves in the way of disaster and death.

Don't test death, because one day the test will be over. Simply put, don't put yourself in the way of danger. This is unexpected from me, being that I am a woman who enjoys the risks in life and feather myself after each success, but one day, I know it will catch up to us. I bathe myself in this victory and chain myself from death....Remember man is like dust, we are here one day and gone 2maro, never quite understanding how life could turn so dramatically.

Its like acquiring money....We work 8 hours, 5 days a week to earn some money..and before you know it, its gone in less time u take to earn it. Life is pretty much like that, we invest our emotions, or time, our life, our laughter, our mourning, our sorrow and our love in a soul that we treasure so dearly...One we consider a friend....snatched from the very gift of life, snatched from the people who loved him unconditionally, not favouritism, but unfavourable, unconditional love. I am sure this is the love many of you shared for Geri or any one you've lost who is so dear to you.

I tell ppl all the time, prepare today for 2maro yes....but enjoy to the max the days u do live, and don't wait to live life for the hope of 2maro. LIVE IT NOW. Its like saving for future investment that may never manifest. I know that Geri might have already during the short course of his life and most recently planned for the summer, ATI, graduation etc.

Enjoy and love the people in ur life and be kind to the ones u don't know, u might be that string of hope in another persons life. And live a life to be remembered, whilst u r still living and even after ur departure so that not only ur name but also ur existence may be worth more than the mere resounding of ur name. MARK UR LIFE AS A PATH TO BE FOLLOWED AND NOT TORTURED....leave a legacy.

TE NECESITO EN MI VIDA

lento... No, no lento pero no existiendo, eso es tiempo cuando estoy alrededor de usted El ritmo de la paliza del corazón... lento a un mero arrastra. El aliento falla de salir mi cuerpo y la sangre en venas congeladas. Cuándo yo estoy con usted mi cuerpo refleja lo que mi alma se siente. Mi alma sólo deseo para estar con usted, para que que podemos hacer el la mayor parte de nuestro tiempo juntos. Así que mi cuerpo lento tiempo de aceptar los deseos de mi alma.

Nada es mas guapo y hermoso como usted.
Besos Besos

COURAGE TO LOVE

FROM A SOUL SISTA TO ANOTHER...A FREN ADVISING ANOTHER FREN...SOUND LIKE SOAP OPRA FOR TRUE.

Love can be so exciting and then again so amusingly dreadfull. Two people inlove, it sounds like that none of you two wants to give up with this "relationship". Each one for his/her personal reasons, of course. You are deeply in love with him and he is confused and selfish, like the 90% of the men. Obviously this doesn't mean that he is not in love with you. Conversely he loves you but, as I see it, he is one of those people who are terribly scared of falling in love. Generally this type of people prefer staying in a quiet, safe affection-relationship, feeling they have everything under control rather than putting themeselves into a troubleful whirlpool of love and passion. YOU MUST HAVE A BRAVEHEART TO LOVE. And you must be capable of mastering the situation because when you are in love you have no defences. You are vulnerable like a baby.
You will learn that most of the men are not bravehearted at all, even though they are taught to carry a rifle...
Anyway I don't mean that he's not bravehearted at all, but in this occasion he seems more to belong to the category "not equipped" than to the other minority of "full equipped".

Well, I stop writing now because it has just come to my mind one of my grandgrammy's famous statements, that was: " you'll never really learn it until you live it ". So, live it and leave it, Theresa! you are walking your path and this is only a stage, believe me.

Much love sista

STORY ABOUT COURAGE

My dada told me this one one day to encourage me..

There were three men on a journey to a treasure...wen they reached they saw from a distance 2 big lions 
guarding the treasure....one man backed away and turned back becuz he feared...the second went half way and 
turned back after the lions roar

the third man was persistent in gettin the treasure that he went with courage and wen he reached the treasure, he saw that the 2 lions were chained and could not move...he took without any obtacle in his way.

yeah...its the same with God...we must have the courage to endure through any obstacle in our way, because the treasure god promised us is there and waiting, our own blessings...we jus need to take courage and never fear.

SUNSET, SUNRISE aka FRIENDSHIP

A RELATIONSHIP IN MANY CASES IS LIKE A SUNRISE,
IT HAS A WARMTH BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING.
COLOURS ARE BRIGHT AND BREATH TAKING,
IT MAKES YOUR HEART SKIP MANY BEATS.
IT MAKES YOU STOP AND SAY "WOW WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING"
IT MAKES YOU SMILE AT THE SILLIEST OF THINGS, IT MAKES YOU CRY AT THE JOY IT BRNGS.
IT CAN HOLD YOU IN PLACE WITH A GENTLE KISS ON YOUR FACE, SOMETIMES HOLDS YOU EVEN CLOSER, SENDING YOU INTO OUTER SPACE.

IT CAN MAKE YOUR TOES CURL, YOUR BEADS OF SWEAT DRIP IN PLACES BEYOND YOUR CONTROL, THE HEAT EMBRACES YOU, IT OOZES LOVE, IT OOZES PASSION.....IT SIMPLY OOZES. IT CAN MAKE YOU LOSE TRACK OF TIME, DAMN THAT SUNRISE IS WICKED DAMN THAT SUNRISE IS MINE, IT HAS YOU UNDER A SPELL....WITH LAUGHTER HOPE AND JOY......

AND

THEN AS TIME RACES BY, IT DECENDS INTO THE GREAT UNKNOWN, THE SUNRISE THAT CAPTURED YOU IS NOW FADING AWAY, IN WHITE,
RED, BLUE AND GRAY.
HEART FILLED WITH PAIN, DRAINING ITS SELF FROM ALL THE LOVE IT GAINED, ERASING THE JOY IT MADE....THE COLOURS ARE STILL GRAY, AN EMPTY FEELING YOU MUST PAY, FOR LETTING THE SUNRISE GET AWAY.
WARM TEARS DANCE ON YOUR CHEECKS, YOUR HEART STILL BEATING YET IT BLEEDS, THE LOVE YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD, BUT NOW ITS LOVE HAS OTHER NEEDS.
YOU STAND IN AWE OF THE BEAUTY YOU ONCE HELD, AND NOW YOU STAND THERE READY TO YELL," COME BACK TO ME WITHOUT YOU LIFE IS HELL".

BUT YET THAT DAMN SUNET, BIDS FAREWELL TIME TO RING SOMEONES ELSE'S BELL, BECAUSE WHAT WE HAD WAS GREAT BUT MY LOVE FOR HAS COME TOO LATE.
WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE, SO MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT ME. DONT, WORRY THERE WILL BE ANOTHER SUNRISE TOMORROW AND YOUR LOVE WILL GAIN ALL A BRAND NEW POWER.

This was written by Susie Braham...a talented poet, this poem spoke to me while it spoke my life.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I often hear people say….”If we were meant to be together then we will”…I believe that too. But it comes with conditions. How can u say “if you were meant to be…” if you refuse to put the effort into seeing that “it is”, I mean remove the “if” from the equation. How will you truly know that it was meant to be if some of us just sit around and check our clocks to see if that person will some how, miraculously, read your mind and act in the way you expect them to?....We are all human, and in this life, I know that things don’t always go the way we plan. We would want for that person to feel the love and admiration we have for them through some telepathic communication…but the truth is, he/she will only feel it and know it if u tell them. How can you say “if it was meant to be…” if you refuse to let them know your inner most desires, desires for “it to be”. You can create an obstacle to that possibility ever coming true...

…Picture this, You were meant to be but one die...u were meant to be but u waited too long, she/he gets married...then u’ll regret....Let me let you in on the secret to ever knowing if it was meant to be…Its quite simple…How u know if u were meant to be is if u guys try a relationship....if it lasts then u were meant to be...if it doesn’t then the answer is obvious...it wasn’t meant to be...BUT U WONT KNO UNLESS U TRY. I don’t mean the teens stuff, I mean committed relationship….Both of you loving and living for each other…Not this world of infidelity. So don’t just dream dreams and see visions of the life you think you’ll have with that special person….Don’t just limit yourself to the “I wonder” or the “If”…especially the “I wish I could…if I had another chance”. Take that chance now…Don’t be complacent as you are. Many times we say these things when it is a case where that special person is no longer in your life…whether it be distance that separates you….or maybe that person just couldn’t wait much longer and moved on…or maybe he/she walked out or vice versa…..You will never know unless you give it a try because thats the only thing in life that affects ppl the most....not finances...not work...not skool...all those things can be solved...but LOVE is the most complicated and exciting thing ever.

Inspired by my cuz K.C

AUGUST 13TH 06

August 13, 2006

Eight months passed with grief and pain
But love, comfort and companionship I had gained.
When we beheld each other in that familiar place
Time departed and we became one, two erased.
And only for that five minutes we remembered our past
Both anger, pain, joy and happiness we encompassed.
Face to face again we once laid it all down
Through mind games our ego resound.
He’s not giving in, I’m not saying it loud
But together again made it seem we were in clouds.
Our bodies anticipated what our hearts cant conceive.
Bodies pulls us closer
Hearts and minds draws us farther.
Time and distance had been vehement in his appearance.
Roughened up and chiseled, yet prosperous in his stance.
Since love had diminished never departed,
Beauty had I seen had gone from him whole hearted.
The man I was enamored over
Had lost with his beauty and composure
A wife, a friend and a soul mate.
Tender hearts never to recuperate.
I’ve missed that forbidden pair and history
But our future or not remain a mystery.
A mystery it will forever be
Because that beast I once loved will never have me.

Aug 14, 2006
Gary’s b’day (S.D)

SQUARE ONE

Back to square one, where we again say our byes
And “I love you”. But always knowing there is a possibility that
Our byes are just foreshadowing of the hellos to come
And the “I love you” to confess.
For we have too often been caught in this temptress snare
Where we both fooled ourselves into thinking that there is a future here
Behind this forbidden pair is only love in secret and not in joy.
I say my farewell as though I only fair thee well,
But never ill of you my darling.
For too often I question the sincerity in your eyes,
I feel the doubt in you confessions.
For where there is doubt, there is no love
Love and doubt never coexist.
You say with such ease that you love me,
But why is your love ever a great mystery?

CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE

Once we were all just a seedling ,vulnerable to the world, living off what you heard, what you saw and how you felt. Not caring how anyone felt about our lives. After all, they had to care, its their responsibility. Yes, we were all babies once, being cared for and fed by the ones who loved us, the ones who implanted in us love and a bright future. After all, aren't we the future, " the children are our future" or are we the bright future passed? Whether we are or not, we've all lived a life not knowing what is to become of ourselves in the future. We've grown, we've matured and we've learned.We've blossomed.

How fortunate for us, look where we are now. From being that spark in someones life to owning our own life, then lighting another spark of vulnerability that becomes our responsibility to teach well. There are however others far from fortunate and for them its fortunate that they breath, but do they breath love and care or just emptiness? I've come to realize that life isn't just a bucket of gold with opportunities to grab at, life isn't all about me, my friends and what I want! No, there are children and babies who see living as a pain, and prays for an end instead of a better life.

For my service to the community, some would say it would be rather best on my part to partake in a service that would benefit me in the long run; service in the law firm or at a media center, something geared towards giving me a better future. But time had caught up with me and my last resort was to accompany my friends to the Tropical Medicine Research Unit, to some a baby ward, where babies just like I once was are treated for sickness. It was very depressing to know that these babies to become men and women of the future are threatened by their ailments and might not live the life God had planned for them. Here I came to realize my duty, it was not giving service to the community but giving hope to the children. These children were deprived of nourishment, some because they were abandoned .I found that I possessed the ability, to not only be a teenager, but the ability to be a mother (in the true sense of the word). I talked with them, I fed them, I put them to sleep. I saw a common characteristic found in the babies and adults like ourselves, they hardly smiled. It bothered me to think that they are just babies with no burdens or worries; hey had no bills to pay, no worries about survival, why were they sad? Their sadness scarred me, so I strive to make them laugh and I realized each time they did they were happier, they went to sleep smiling and happy. That made me happy, I gave hope. Sure their constant crying annoyed me at times, amused me sometime, but babies will always be like that. They no longer cried in pain, but they cried when we were leaving. Maybe they thought I was their hope, that made me feel good, but I saw a hope that was lit and will only be put out by death.

I played with the children, I sang to them, fed them, those were my major roles while at the ward. But I did more than that, I prayed for them and that brought me joy. Life isn't all about me, it was more than that; helping those that needed help, changing the lives of those who had no hope. I no longer looked at the bony babies who struggles to breath, to live, I no longer looked at them in pity of their discolored skin that peels away everyday or their light weighted bodies, I saw the successful men and women of tomorrow. I guess time caught up with me for a reason, God had a plan for me. I completed my community service in success. I've grown, I've matured, I've learned and I've blossomed. Service was given to the hospital ward, Hope was given to the children and a brighter future I received.

THE END

I WILL TRY

My life is not that easy
I wana look in the mirror and not see a distorted figure
I want to be happy in me
And not for everybody.
I wana look in the mirror and see smiles as bright as the sun
A girl pure in body whose heart has never been parted
Forcibly like the parting of my legs.
I want not to be embarrassed and run from my pain.
But look me in the eyes and say “ I’m beautiful”
I want true love.
It’s the scariest thing in the world to confront the mirror
That so blatantly shows me what I am,
But hides what I can be.
I will try to share my whole with the world.
I will try.

June 9, 2006
Open heart surgery
Separating two chambers of one heart

INSPIRATE YOURSELF

Read and enjoy....be filled with the memories of the past....feel that which ancestors have heir-ed you to feel...and spread your wings and mount to the highest you, where there exist no boundaries...only those you create for yourself. Remember you are your own worst story...you create....you destroy....you are the author of life's turmoil...you are your own spinster of happiness...so spin a web of love.....you are your own destiny, fated by God. Never loose sight of the power you manifest....the power given to you by God...the power of freewill and self control. Never be blinded by the rainbow of glass and not diamond....you deserve the best of life....grab at it...don't settle, yet never set limits unreachable or unrealistic. LOVE yourself...and others will too.

Its hard to fathom….you have wings but you’re not able to fly.
What will you do…Jump?

EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

No one is mad, there is no such word. It should be banned from all dictionaries, a law set against the utterance of this word. A word I will write a lot and then suffer the consequences of its repeatedness.

Is he mad because his eyes beholds the world in a different light, is it because he sees life different from you, is it because he interrupts the norms of society. What is Mad, is it in the eyes of the beholder?

He was scorned, he was beaten, he was chopped and scorched by the very sins of life, betrayed by the very norms of society, the very commandments of the bible, his ground that supports him forces him down. Is he mad, is he insane. What is mad, is it in the eyes of the beholder?

“We are god’s, we are angels”, Is he mad for thinking that? Christians is he a blasphemy for preaching that? His brother, the norm, the law and principles of the bible, blinded him into seeing the true meaning of love, the true purpose of a brother. Is he mad for trying to rid himself of agony, of his brother?


Read these inscriptions done by a mad man and answer me this, Is he a mad man?
Aron
Aear hand have the rod, some use it as a wip on plantation, slave se dis as them plee in when ear slave master hand. There is no slave master now, but a still ear ‘pow’ from gun in a hand. Some Dis and se a ple in a court when ear hand of the police.
Moses law ‘ thou shalt not kill’

Put this mad man words together ‘ Dissepleinearhand’, the secret behind these words behold ‘ disciplinarian’. Its amazing the hidden truth behind this word. Is he mad for expressing himself. In the mind of the sin, of this blasphemy, of this mad man, is the wisest insight on life. MAN BETRAY MAN, slave masters hurt slave, now polices ( disciplinarian) kill man, and one is lucky if he hears the hand of them and not feel the wrath of the rod.

The light he clings to is the one who sees him as a man but hypocritically accepts him as mad. Is he mad to consider him a friend and not a brother. A brother, one he never had, one who causes him agony. Is he mad , is he insane?


‘Mad’, its in the eyes of the beholder. Am I Mad, are you mad to think he is mad? Who gave man the power to discriminate, who gave man the power to define this blasphemous word, to create such a sinful word. Who gave man the authority to kill, not physically but also emotionally. Am I mad for thinking so, for questioning the abnormal which lies within you. Who says he is mad. Are we mad in his eyes. Madness its in you and me, it is in the eyes of the beholder.

JADLJ

So many hearts I've found
Rejected and alone like mine.
So many done, found undone
And every now and then I try to mend the damage.

To think that I did not forget
That song of love we fabricated
I just want to hold you close
Close enough so you can hear your name
on my every heart beat
Close enough you can feel
My body rejuvenate for you.

All I wished was for us to coexist
All three
You...Me...Creator
Who created love, mu love
my love for you.

And yet I feel that we've found a common ground
A heart yearning cry for God
A common ground that made me overflow with love
And Yet...It separates me from you.